We have a winner . . .

. . . for the worst book of the decade so far! And it's a strong contender for the worst book of the century, even though it's early days yet. I don't know who has been bribed, but the book A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick has been receiving wonderful reviews. It is without a doubt one of the worst books it's ever been my misfortune to pick up. There just aren't appropriate words in the English language to describe how much I loathe this book . . . but I'll give it my best shot.

The story would seem to be promising. A 50ish man in 1907 Wisconsin places a personal ad in a newspaper advertising for a reliable wife. A woman answers the ad and eventually goes to Wisconsin to marry him. However, she is not all she claims to be and she has nefarious plans of her own.

It would seem to be a good basis for a story, but the author is a terrible writer. This is obviously another one of those "paid by the word" excesses, because this book is filled with repetition, unnecessary detail and general lack of action. Ralph, the man looking for a wife, goes on and on for many pages over and over throughout the book about his miserable former life. Just when you think he's wallowed enough, he'll bring it up again. He's also obsessed with sex, and so time and time again we get to hear about his youthful excesses and his current loneliness. Katherine is inexplicably entangled in another relationship, even when the object of her desire tells her repeatedly (in this book, there is no other way to communicate), "I despise you!" Well, that is one way to a lady's heart.

The writing style is just preposterous. Nearly every sentence was restated 3 or 4 times. For instance, "She went to the library. She walked to the building with books. She entered the place of learning." That's not a direct quote, but that's the gist of it. And it gets better! After she enters the library, she decides to read about plants. So (again, I'm paraphrasing), "She read about lilacs and roses. Then she read about orchids and hostas. After that she read about tulips and geraniums. She read about lilies and . . ." and on and on. Several pages to tell us she read about PLANTS!! Did you notice, I was able to convey that she read about plants in FOUR WORDS?? It was ridiculous. And things like that happened over and over in this pathetic excuse for a novel.

Page after page and paragraph after paragraph and sentence after sentence of boring and inexplicable repetition. Didn't this guy have an editor to reign him in? I kept on until the bitter end because, due to the aforementioned glowing reviews, I thought it must get better. It doesn't. I'm sure I've permanently damaged my eyes by rolling them so far back in my head so often.

I checked out this book from the library and I thought about doing a public service and setting fire to it, but in the end I couldn't be that anti-social. Not like the publishers who foisted this dreck out on the unsuspecting public!

Final Verdict for A Reliable Wife: Zero Gherkins -- in fact, I'm not even going to sully the beauty that is the gherkin by attaching it in any way to this train wreck of "literature"